I knew when I started writing that this topic would be the most difficult to
write about. The idea of love has so many preconceived notions and social
constructs associated with it that anything I write has a probability of
being either misconstrued or debated. I hope to avoid the first but don’t
mind the second. Disclaimer: I do not claim to be right about anything I
write here. These are just thoughts on love. You may like some of them;
others you may not like so much,
It is appropriate that I write on Good Friday, 2009. It is on this day that we remember the ultimate act of love, when a friend lays down his life for another. It is a dark and painful day, but two days from now, a new dawn will appear, representing God’s love for his creation.
We have been commanded to love each other, but in that commandment, we are allowed to love ourselves as well. Indeed, an appreciation of one’s own self-worth may be a prerequisite for the ability to share love with others in all of its many forms. All too often, we attempt to compensate for a lack of self-love through performance (what we do in the world), achievement (what we are able to accomplish), or through service (subordinating oneself for others).
Love does seem to be biologically programmed since it is part of the drive to start a family. The family sets the pattern for our self-esteem or the lack thereof, from which many of our mental illnesses and relationship difficulties may stem. Love that flows from our parents should reflect the unconditional love of God – who loves us because we are his creation. We don’t need to earn his love. Likewise, we strive to love our offspring even if they violate the codes of conduct we have outlined for them.
Like physical traits, the ability to love or inability to love seems to be passed on from generation to generation. If we grow up failing to be loved, we emerge from our childhood turning the tables on the next generation, suffering from the same fate unless we make a conscious, therapeutic effort to overcome the lack and longing of our childhood. In our shortcomings, we seek the love missed in life through substitute sources such as addictive and destructive behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, or promiscuity. Only when we hit rock bottom, feeling totally alone, are able to stand open to being truly loved.
Commitment is a frightening step in loving someone. It leaves us open and vulnerable to the desires and demands of someone else. Placing oneself in such a position feels like a subordination of one’s self to the other with a willingness to sacrifice in order to make the other person happy. To be ready to commit to someone else, you must be fully secure in your own strengths and ready to accept your own weaknesses.
In conventional theology, three forms of love emerge as the human experience and the divine come together in the form of Jesus Christ. We have eros, or physical love, needed for generation of the species. It also includes romantic love, about which so much literature and art is concerned. Another form of love is called filios, Greek for “Brother,” so this kind of love is a platonic brotherly love that includes philanthropy and altruistic behavior. Agape is Christian love, modeled by Christ and his death on the cross. We can show our fellow human beings this kind of love whenever we perform acts of goodwill in the world on both local and global scales. It involves sacrifice and redemptive power.
As parents, our love requires expression for our children to grow and thrive. We must model the ability to love, and our children will reflect those skills in all of their subsequent relationships. Love becomes the change agent in our lives. In our marriage, love will change over time, from infatuation to a relationship that requires work, effort, and energy. We run the risk of losing our love object when we open ourselves to authentic, passionate loving. We also open ourselves up to rejection, failure and loss. These challenges make the divorce process as devastating as a death in the family, and they place an extra burden on second marriages and significant other-relationships.
We often feel as though we can generate love through approval. Sometimes, loving someone involves a choice. There are certainly choice-elements in loving someone else, but learning how to love is a life-long process. Love is not guaranteed. We may not like the behavior of family members, but we make the choice to keep on loving them. Once two people choose each other, they must love each other by choosing to forgive, letting past anger and arguments go, subordinating their own ego for the sake of the relationship. Marriage most clearly demonstrates the connection between forgiveness and love. In a way, that is why the church is called the bride of Christ. He loves us in spite of our transgressions.
Christians look to Christ as the model for how to love each other in the world. We can read I Corinthians 13, where Paul tells us the characteristics of love. We hear this passage at weddings often, but if we can apply these traits to all of our relationships, we will be reflecting God’s love for us, a love that led to sacrifice and redemption. As we go through the day of Resurrection, I hope to let the people in my life know how much I love them, though it is not a quantity by which I measure my love for them. It is a quality, a strength by which I want to share my love for each person.
It is appropriate that I write on Good Friday, 2009. It is on this day that we remember the ultimate act of love, when a friend lays down his life for another. It is a dark and painful day, but two days from now, a new dawn will appear, representing God’s love for his creation.
We have been commanded to love each other, but in that commandment, we are allowed to love ourselves as well. Indeed, an appreciation of one’s own self-worth may be a prerequisite for the ability to share love with others in all of its many forms. All too often, we attempt to compensate for a lack of self-love through performance (what we do in the world), achievement (what we are able to accomplish), or through service (subordinating oneself for others).
Love does seem to be biologically programmed since it is part of the drive to start a family. The family sets the pattern for our self-esteem or the lack thereof, from which many of our mental illnesses and relationship difficulties may stem. Love that flows from our parents should reflect the unconditional love of God – who loves us because we are his creation. We don’t need to earn his love. Likewise, we strive to love our offspring even if they violate the codes of conduct we have outlined for them.
Like physical traits, the ability to love or inability to love seems to be passed on from generation to generation. If we grow up failing to be loved, we emerge from our childhood turning the tables on the next generation, suffering from the same fate unless we make a conscious, therapeutic effort to overcome the lack and longing of our childhood. In our shortcomings, we seek the love missed in life through substitute sources such as addictive and destructive behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, or promiscuity. Only when we hit rock bottom, feeling totally alone, are able to stand open to being truly loved.
Commitment is a frightening step in loving someone. It leaves us open and vulnerable to the desires and demands of someone else. Placing oneself in such a position feels like a subordination of one’s self to the other with a willingness to sacrifice in order to make the other person happy. To be ready to commit to someone else, you must be fully secure in your own strengths and ready to accept your own weaknesses.
In conventional theology, three forms of love emerge as the human experience and the divine come together in the form of Jesus Christ. We have eros, or physical love, needed for generation of the species. It also includes romantic love, about which so much literature and art is concerned. Another form of love is called filios, Greek for “Brother,” so this kind of love is a platonic brotherly love that includes philanthropy and altruistic behavior. Agape is Christian love, modeled by Christ and his death on the cross. We can show our fellow human beings this kind of love whenever we perform acts of goodwill in the world on both local and global scales. It involves sacrifice and redemptive power.
As parents, our love requires expression for our children to grow and thrive. We must model the ability to love, and our children will reflect those skills in all of their subsequent relationships. Love becomes the change agent in our lives. In our marriage, love will change over time, from infatuation to a relationship that requires work, effort, and energy. We run the risk of losing our love object when we open ourselves to authentic, passionate loving. We also open ourselves up to rejection, failure and loss. These challenges make the divorce process as devastating as a death in the family, and they place an extra burden on second marriages and significant other-relationships.
We often feel as though we can generate love through approval. Sometimes, loving someone involves a choice. There are certainly choice-elements in loving someone else, but learning how to love is a life-long process. Love is not guaranteed. We may not like the behavior of family members, but we make the choice to keep on loving them. Once two people choose each other, they must love each other by choosing to forgive, letting past anger and arguments go, subordinating their own ego for the sake of the relationship. Marriage most clearly demonstrates the connection between forgiveness and love. In a way, that is why the church is called the bride of Christ. He loves us in spite of our transgressions.
Christians look to Christ as the model for how to love each other in the world. We can read I Corinthians 13, where Paul tells us the characteristics of love. We hear this passage at weddings often, but if we can apply these traits to all of our relationships, we will be reflecting God’s love for us, a love that led to sacrifice and redemption. As we go through the day of Resurrection, I hope to let the people in my life know how much I love them, though it is not a quantity by which I measure my love for them. It is a quality, a strength by which I want to share my love for each person.
I call this a "love map" because it shows how love flows through
our lives.